Dear Unnamed Tech Company in Hillsboro OR,

I understand that popping Mike’s Hard Lemonade and Zima after 3pm is your Friday ritual.  And that’s great and all.  But I have a few concerns:

1) Toasting the end of your work week two hours before quitting time is asking for all sorts of trouble.  You should know better, too, because your company helped build the NASDAQ index, so you know all too well what can happen when a few day traders have a two-mojito lunch at the Chili’s across the street.

2) It is Memorial Day Weekend and rush hour started at 10:30 this morning.  If you are pounding a few right now, please do us super-commuters a favor and sleep in your office tonight. Go ahead, you’ve done it before.

3) I’m very strongly considering having you host this insipid website of mine, but I can’t bring myself to sign up for your services knowing that you’re tipping back Mike’s Hard Lemonade every Friday. Mike’s is sooo 2001.  Even my friend Amanda doesn’t like that shit anymore, and she’s still got those THESE COLORS DON’T BLEED bumperstickers attached to both asscheeks of her SUV.  That should tell you pretty much all you need to know.




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