Mr. T

Quick on the heels of the Chuck Norris piece, my good friend Paul forwarded the companion lowdown on Mr. T.

[On deck: Vin Diesel.]

Mr. T speaks only when necessary. His main form of communication is
folding his arms and slowly shaking his head. And regardless of the
situation, he is always understood.

Why does Mr. T wear still have his mohawk? Cause his reflection pities
the fool who don’t!

Mr. T invented fools. Realizing the magnitude of his folly, he then
created Pity.

Who let the dogs out? Mr. T did, that’s who. What the heck are you
going to do about it?

Mr. T survived a roundhouse kick to the face from Chuck Norris. He was
the first and only one to do so.

Mr. T’s incredible greatness has been attributed to the fact that his
genetic code doesn’t have any A, G, or C. His genetic code is in fact,
nothing but T’s.

23. That’s the number of people Mr. T has pitied in the time it has
taken you to read this sentence.

Mr. T’s edition of the VH1 show ‘Where Are They Now’ was the shortest
in the show’s history. It was 10 seconds long, and consisted of a
black screen with the words “Right Behind You” written on it.

Mr. T is allergic to doorknobs. That’s why he can only kick through doors.

Before Mr. T, the alphabet only had 25 letters.

Mr. T doesn’t obey the second law of thermodynamics. It obeys him.

Mr. T’s hair style is actually a complex array of antennas that can
triangulate the exact location of any fool in the universe. His gold
chains can then transmit pity to those coordinates.

Mr. T was fired from the Psychic Friends Network for always predicting pain.

The last time Mr. T went to McDonald’s, Ronald McDonald greeted him.
What occured next proved to be the most violent beating of a clown
ever recorded in human history.

Every time Mr. T pities the fool, a pornstar regains her virginity.
Then proceeds to lose it to Mr. T.

When the end of the world comes, it won’t be referred to as “Judgment
Day”. Rather, it shall be called “T-Day”, when Mr. T ends the world by
simultaneously pitying all six billion fools on this planet to death.

Despite popular belief, if there is a fool in the woods, and nobody is
around to hear his jibba jabba, Mr. T is still able to pity him.

When Mr. T cuts onions, it’s the onions doing the crying.

Originally the A-Team was named T-Team and consisted of Mr. T and six
of his genetically engineered clones driving around in a van made of
pure gold. Producers changed the format after every criminal known to
man was killed in the pilot episode.

The Manhattan Project really did not create the atom bomb, but instead
put Mr. T�s pity in a bottle and then dropped it on Japan.

During the filming of Rocky III, Burgess Meredith asked Mr. T why he
wore so much gold. To make a long story short, the script had to be
changed to include Mickey’s “accidental” death.

Mr. T made his van go twice the speed of light because he wanted to
prove that quantum physics was a bunch of jibba jabba.

When Dr. Bruce Banner gets angry, he turns into the Hulk. When the
Hulk gets angry, he turns into Mr. T.

Mr. T rejoiced as President George W. Bush was elected to office, as
the coming administration would assure that he would never run out of
fools to pity.

Mr. T took Mother Nature from behind. We refer to the event as the Big Bang.

Rome wasn’t built in a day. But if Mr. T had assisted, it sure as heck
would’ve been.

If you were ever foolish enough to get into a fight with Mr. T, there
would only be two hits: Mr. T hitting you, and you hitting the surface
of the Sun.

Mr. T invented cryogenics for the sole purpose of turning fools into
Pity Pops, which he then sells to buy more gold chains.

Mr. T once got into a fight with a ninja. He killed the ninja, but
only after the ninja had cut off two of his fingers. Those fingers
grew up to be Gary Coleman and Webster.

Mr T defines love as the reluctance to murder. If you’re still alive,
it’s because Mr T loves you.


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