Chuck Norris

“The Facts (30 Chuck Norris truths)” is easily the best email meme I’ve read in a long, long time:

Chuck Norris’ tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.

Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead
decided to punch his way out of his mother’s womb. Shortly thereafter he
grew a beard.

When Chuck Norris plays Oregon Trail his family does not die from cholera
or dysentery, but rather roundhouse kicks to the face. He also requires no
wagon, since he carries the oxen, axels, and buffalo meat on his back. He
always makes it to Oregon before you.

Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage.
We know this beverage as Red Bull.

A man once asked Chuck Norris if his real name is “Charles”. Chuck Norris
did not respond, he simply stared at him until he exploded.

Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK
assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard,
deflecting them. JFK’s head exploded out of sheer amazement.

To prove it isn’t that big of a deal to beat cancer, Chuck Norris smoked
15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and acquired 7 different kinds
of cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes. Beat
that, Lance Armstrong.

The original theme song to the Transformers was actually “Chuck
Norris–more than meets the eye, Chuck Norris–robot in disguise,” and
starred Chuck Norris as a Texas Ranger who defended the earth from
drug-dealing Decepticons and could turn into a pick-up. This was far too
much awesome for a single show, however, so it was divided.

Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.

Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are
trademarked names for his left and right legs.

If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can’t see Chuck Norris
you may be only seconds away from death.

Helen Keller’s favorite color is Chuck Norris.

When Chuck Norris has sex with a man, it is not because he is gay, but
because he has run out of women.

MacGyver can build an airplane out of gum and paper clips, but Chuck
Norris can kill him and take it.

Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke
the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she
was flying over the Pacific Ocean.

Chuck Norris doesn’t read books. He stares them down until he gets the
information he wants.

If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, “Two seconds
till.” After you ask, “Two seconds to what?” he roundhouse kicks you in
the face.

Chuck Norris only masturbates to pictures of Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris appeared in the “Street Fighter II” video game, but was
removed by Beta Testers because every button caused him to do a roundhouse
kick.

When asked bout this “glitch,” Norris replied, “That’s no glitch.”

Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.

Since 1940, the year Chuck Norris was born, roundhouse kick related deaths
have increased 13,000 percent.

Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and
unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was
finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul
back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn’t stay mad and admitted he
should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of
the month.

Filming on location for Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris brought a
stillborn baby lamb back to life by giving it a prolonged beard rub.
Shortly after the farm animal sprang back to life and a crowd had
gathered, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked the animal, breaking its neck, to
remind the crew once more that Chuck giveth, and the good Chuck, he taketh
away.

Chuck Norris’s girlfriend once asked him how much wood a woodchuck could
chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood. He then shouted, “HOW DARE YOU
RHYME IN THE PRESENCE OF CHUCK NORRIS!” and ripped out her throat. Holding his girlfriend’s bloody throat in his hand he bellowed, “Don’t fuck with
Chuck!”

Two years and five months later he realized the irony of this statement
and laughed so hard that anyone within a hundred mile radius of the blast
went deaf.

Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse… horses are hung like Chuck Norris

Chuck Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the gift of
“beard”. Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other Wisemen,
jealous of Jesus’ obvious gift favoritism, used their combined influence
to have Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly after all three died of
roundhouse kick related deaths.

There are no disabled people, only people who have met Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris does not have AIDS but he gives it to people anyway.

Chuck Norris uses ribbed condoms inside out, so he gets the pleasure.

There is no chin behind Chuck Norris’ beard. There is only another fist.

It was once believed that Chuck Norris actually lost a fight to a pirate,
but that is a lie, created by Chuck Norris himself to lure more pirates to
him. Pirates never were very smart.

Advertisements

5 responses to “Chuck Norris

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: